The last few weeks, ok who am I kidding….the last few months have felt like we’ve just been coasting along.  Waiting.  Anticipating.

Waiting for school to start.  It has and so far so good.  The girls and I, after our initial adjustment period, are really starting to find our way.  I try not to kick myself too much for not trying this when we first moved here.

Waiting for the list to come out.  We’ve known for months the list would come out “on/about September 13th”.  I’m believing that the list will be early (would be AWESOME) or on time (would be peachy).  I’m not even going to consider the consequences on my mental state if the list is late.  Oy.

Found out yesterday that our neighbor directly behind us is in line to be a Shirt also.  He was scheduled to go to a class earlier but ended up not being able to go.  He got to the point in the process where he got his list of possibles.  When HIS list came out there were I think 23 bases to choose from and he had a five day window to turn his ordered list back in.

To me that says that our options will probably be many.  It also says to me that if we have that short of a time frame to get the list turned back in that our assignment should come pretty soon after.  My prediction/hope that we’ll know where we’re going by October MIGHT just be possible!

So, now we wait.  Some more.  13 days……

This may be the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to write/admit/expose but I feel like I should, so I will.  For honesty.  For clarity.  For being real like I said I would.  This may be hard for some of you to read.  I understand, really I do.

The days since the weaning off Wellbutrin haven’t been easy.  Well, that’s oversimplifying by a long shot.  They’ve been pretty terrible.  Angry.  Sobbing.  Uncontrollable crying that just comes out of nowhere and has no rhyme or reason.

Now, I knew from the start that there would be tears and emotions to deal with.  Was prepared for that.  But yesterday was the turning point.

Had been crying off and on since before lunch.  Trying to hold it together since the girls had company over.  As the day progressed, the cloud of depression just seemed to take over and I couldn’t get out of it.  Talking to Steven didn’t help.  Crying and trying to move on didn’t help.  Taking a minute (or 12) to myself didn’t help.  But there came a moment yesterday evening when I knew.

Knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in spite of any misgivings I may have about taking the medications, in spite of the fact that I’d LIKE to get off of them, I HAVE to take them.  At least for now.

When I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes and I began to think about how much better off Steven and the girls would be without me, I knew.

Now, let me get something straight here.  I don’t mean I thought about how they’d be if I died or anything.  I just mean without me being HERE.  As in, maybe I should just walk out the front door, get into the car and drive away.

I thought about how much easier Steven’s life in general would be without this crazy, sobbing, out of control woman in his life.

I thought about how much easier the girls’ lives would be without that same nut around.  How they could go to school with teachers who know what they’re doing, with the opportunity to do things I just can’t.

That’s when it hit me.

And I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time.  Because I know it isn’t true.  I know that it is the crazy talking in my head.  I know that without meds, at least for now, I am not a normally functioning adult.  And Steven and the girls need one of those normal people in their lives.

So, we’re back to square one.

This side of healing or heaven, I guess I’ll be on meds.

Please don’t call me and try to discuss this.  I’m not up for it.  I am still having a hard time talking without crying but it’s going to get better.  Please don’t tell me that if I had just a little more faith, if I prayed just a little harder, if I (fill in the blank with whatever YOU think I should be doing) then I’d get better.  Believe me, I have faith, I am praying.  If I wasn’t I don’t think I’d be sitting here in my house typing this right now.  I’d be driving aimlessly trying to figure out where to go……

This is day two of my carbon monoxide detector beeping like the battery needs changing.  Steven changed the battery but it is still beeping today.  Housing is supposed to come out today and fix it.  We’ll see.  In case you don’t remember, this is what was happening when we first moved here four years ago.  Except it only did it in the middle of the night and it would eventually set off all the fire alarms.  Gah.

Yesterday I went bike riding with the girls.  We finally got them all up and riding without hurting themselves and Steven and I both managed to fall.  To be totally honest, mine was the only honest to goodness fall.  Steven’s was in demonstration to the girls about not using just your front brake when you are going fast and trying to stop quickly.  He FLEW over the handle bars and rolled across the road scrubbing his knees on the pavement. I, on the other hand, was trying to turn left and realized Emily was stopped right in the path.  I tried to stop quickly, started falling to the right and couldn’t stop myself.  The right leg just couldn’t cooperate.  Ended up slamming my knee into the ground (meaning my back got all snatched out of whack) and turning my ankle.  But I got up and got right back on.  Can you imagine my girls EVER getting on a bike again if I’d been unable or unwilling to get back on and just ride?  Lord have mercy!  They’d never ride again.

Backache not withstanding, I managed to stay busy as a bee this morning, though I am now spent and paying for it with back twinges.  However, I DID accomplish dejunking, reorganizing and cleaning the laundry room.  I think because that room generally has the door shut I tend to not worry about it, stick random stuff in there and shut the door on it.

We only have five months left so I decided it was time to get a move on with the house.  Especially since the month of July is completely free!  So, the laundry room was the first to feel my decluttering/cleaning wrath.

I know that isn’t the best job of stitching photos together but that’s a tight space for taking pictures, so I did the best I could.

Staying busy, for me, is important in this fight against the depression.  When I sit and do nothing, my ever busy mind tends to wander and brood.  I come up with thousands of things to begin wondering/planning/worrying about and end up losing my now, my today.

And really, why borrow trouble?  Whether I look at houses for sale and base housing all over the world or not, we’ll still be getting our list of possible bases in two months.  Looking and wasting time isn’t making that two months go any faster.  It isn’t making me feel any better.  I LIKE looking at houses but when I start to ponder and wonder I have to stop.  God’s got this all in control, He doesn’t need me to drive.  Whether I sit down with a list of ALL the bases in the world and try to put them into some sense of order based on where we’d like to go or not, we’ll still ONLY get a list of the possible bases in two months.

Today is an off day for the Wellbutrin so I’ve taken two L-Theanine capsules so far.  In the good news category though my bp was great this morning!  Despite not getting enough sleep (nightmare around 4am and waking up earlier than I’d planned for the day)!

Keep praying folks, this is going to be a long haul……