Ok, don’t freak out.  I’m not pregnant.  :)

I just realized it has been 9 months since I last blogged.  Sheesh that says a lot about my mental state over this move, doesn’t it?

I THINK we’re finally settling into a routine.  There’s nothing truly routine about life but there’s a rhythm and a flow to things.

God has really been dealing with my heart and some baggage that I’ve carried around for a ridiculously long time.  It’s amazing what He can show you and teach you when you’re forced to be alone and quiet.  When you do have 10 million things going on and twice as many thoughts running around in your head.

I’m starting to meet people here.  Starting to hang out a little bit with some gals that I enjoy hanging out with.  Getting involved in the base spouses’ group, the squadron spouses’ group and the PTO.  Oh and starting my business again.

Busy much?

I’d really like to get back into the regular habit of blogging.  It’s cathartic for me and an easy way to keep family updated since we live so far from them all now.  Do you have a topic you’d like to hear about?  Something you want to know about us/me?  Ask away!  I’m not going to guarantee I’ll choose to answer if it’s too personal (heh!) but let’s hear ‘em!

The last few weeks, ok who am I kidding….the last few months have felt like we’ve just been coasting along.  Waiting.  Anticipating.

Waiting for school to start.  It has and so far so good.  The girls and I, after our initial adjustment period, are really starting to find our way.  I try not to kick myself too much for not trying this when we first moved here.

Waiting for the list to come out.  We’ve known for months the list would come out “on/about September 13th”.  I’m believing that the list will be early (would be AWESOME) or on time (would be peachy).  I’m not even going to consider the consequences on my mental state if the list is late.  Oy.

Found out yesterday that our neighbor directly behind us is in line to be a Shirt also.  He was scheduled to go to a class earlier but ended up not being able to go.  He got to the point in the process where he got his list of possibles.  When HIS list came out there were I think 23 bases to choose from and he had a five day window to turn his ordered list back in.

To me that says that our options will probably be many.  It also says to me that if we have that short of a time frame to get the list turned back in that our assignment should come pretty soon after.  My prediction/hope that we’ll know where we’re going by October MIGHT just be possible!

So, now we wait.  Some more.  13 days……

This may be the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to write/admit/expose but I feel like I should, so I will.  For honesty.  For clarity.  For being real like I said I would.  This may be hard for some of you to read.  I understand, really I do.

The days since the weaning off Wellbutrin haven’t been easy.  Well, that’s oversimplifying by a long shot.  They’ve been pretty terrible.  Angry.  Sobbing.  Uncontrollable crying that just comes out of nowhere and has no rhyme or reason.

Now, I knew from the start that there would be tears and emotions to deal with.  Was prepared for that.  But yesterday was the turning point.

Had been crying off and on since before lunch.  Trying to hold it together since the girls had company over.  As the day progressed, the cloud of depression just seemed to take over and I couldn’t get out of it.  Talking to Steven didn’t help.  Crying and trying to move on didn’t help.  Taking a minute (or 12) to myself didn’t help.  But there came a moment yesterday evening when I knew.

Knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in spite of any misgivings I may have about taking the medications, in spite of the fact that I’d LIKE to get off of them, I HAVE to take them.  At least for now.

When I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes and I began to think about how much better off Steven and the girls would be without me, I knew.

Now, let me get something straight here.  I don’t mean I thought about how they’d be if I died or anything.  I just mean without me being HERE.  As in, maybe I should just walk out the front door, get into the car and drive away.

I thought about how much easier Steven’s life in general would be without this crazy, sobbing, out of control woman in his life.

I thought about how much easier the girls’ lives would be without that same nut around.  How they could go to school with teachers who know what they’re doing, with the opportunity to do things I just can’t.

That’s when it hit me.

And I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time.  Because I know it isn’t true.  I know that it is the crazy talking in my head.  I know that without meds, at least for now, I am not a normally functioning adult.  And Steven and the girls need one of those normal people in their lives.

So, we’re back to square one.

This side of healing or heaven, I guess I’ll be on meds.

Please don’t call me and try to discuss this.  I’m not up for it.  I am still having a hard time talking without crying but it’s going to get better.  Please don’t tell me that if I had just a little more faith, if I prayed just a little harder, if I (fill in the blank with whatever YOU think I should be doing) then I’d get better.  Believe me, I have faith, I am praying.  If I wasn’t I don’t think I’d be sitting here in my house typing this right now.  I’d be driving aimlessly trying to figure out where to go……