Waiting for school to start.  It has and so far so good.  The girls and I, after our initial adjustment period, are really starting to find our way.  I try not to kick myself too much for not trying this when we first moved here.

Waiting for the list to come out.  We’ve known for months the list would come out “on/about September 13th”.  I’m believing that the list will be early (would be AWESOME) or on time (would be peachy).  I’m not even going to consider the consequences on my mental state if the list is late.  Oy.

Found out yesterday that our neighbor directly behind us is in line to be a Shirt also.  He was scheduled to go to a class earlier but ended up not being able to go.  He got to the point in the process where he got his list of possibles.  When HIS list came out there were I think 23 bases to choose from and he had a five day window to turn his ordered list back in.

To me that says that our options will probably be many.  It also says to me that if we have that short of a time frame to get the list turned back in that our assignment should come pretty soon after.  My prediction/hope that we’ll know where we’re going by October MIGHT just be possible!

So, now we wait.  Some more.  13 days……

The days since the weaning off Wellbutrin haven’t been easy.  Well, that’s oversimplifying by a long shot.  They’ve been pretty terrible.  Angry.  Sobbing.  Uncontrollable crying that just comes out of nowhere and has no rhyme or reason.

Now, I knew from the start that there would be tears and emotions to deal with.  Was prepared for that.  But yesterday was the turning point.

Had been crying off and on since before lunch.  Trying to hold it together since the girls had company over.  As the day progressed, the cloud of depression just seemed to take over and I couldn’t get out of it.  Talking to Steven didn’t help.  Crying and trying to move on didn’t help.  Taking a minute (or 12) to myself didn’t help.  But there came a moment yesterday evening when I knew.

Knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that in spite of any misgivings I may have about taking the medications, in spite of the fact that I’d LIKE to get off of them, I HAVE to take them.  At least for now.

When I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes and I began to think about how much better off Steven and the girls would be without me, I knew.

Now, let me get something straight here.  I don’t mean I thought about how they’d be if I died or anything.  I just mean without me being HERE.  As in, maybe I should just walk out the front door, get into the car and drive away.

I thought about how much easier Steven’s life in general would be without this crazy, sobbing, out of control woman in his life.

I thought about how much easier the girls’ lives would be without that same nut around.  How they could go to school with teachers who know what they’re doing, with the opportunity to do things I just can’t.

That’s when it hit me.

And I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time.  Because I know it isn’t true.  I know that it is the crazy talking in my head.  I know that without meds, at least for now, I am not a normally functioning adult.  And Steven and the girls need one of those normal people in their lives.

So, we’re back to square one.

This side of healing or heaven, I guess I’ll be on meds.

Please don’t call me and try to discuss this.  I’m not up for it.  I am still having a hard time talking without crying but it’s going to get better.  Please don’t tell me that if I had just a little more faith, if I prayed just a little harder, if I (fill in the blank with whatever YOU think I should be doing) then I’d get better.  Believe me, I have faith, I am praying.  If I wasn’t I don’t think I’d be sitting here in my house typing this right now.  I’d be driving aimlessly trying to figure out where to go……

Yesterday I went bike riding with the girls.  We finally got them all up and riding without hurting themselves and Steven and I both managed to fall.  To be totally honest, mine was the only honest to goodness fall.  Steven’s was in demonstration to the girls about not using just your front brake when you are going fast and trying to stop quickly.  He FLEW over the handle bars and rolled across the road scrubbing his knees on the pavement. I, on the other hand, was trying to turn left and realized Emily was stopped right in the path.  I tried to stop quickly, started falling to the right and couldn’t stop myself.  The right leg just couldn’t cooperate.  Ended up slamming my knee into the ground (meaning my back got all snatched out of whack) and turning my ankle.  But I got up and got right back on.  Can you imagine my girls EVER getting on a bike again if I’d been unable or unwilling to get back on and just ride?  Lord have mercy!  They’d never ride again.

Backache not withstanding, I managed to stay busy as a bee this morning, though I am now spent and paying for it with back twinges.  However, I DID accomplish dejunking, reorganizing and cleaning the laundry room.  I think because that room generally has the door shut I tend to not worry about it, stick random stuff in there and shut the door on it.

We only have five months left so I decided it was time to get a move on with the house.  Especially since the month of July is completely free!  So, the laundry room was the first to feel my decluttering/cleaning wrath.

I know that isn’t the best job of stitching photos together but that’s a tight space for taking pictures, so I did the best I could.

Staying busy, for me, is important in this fight against the depression.  When I sit and do nothing, my ever busy mind tends to wander and brood.  I come up with thousands of things to begin wondering/planning/worrying about and end up losing my now, my today.

And really, why borrow trouble?  Whether I look at houses for sale and base housing all over the world or not, we’ll still be getting our list of possible bases in two months.  Looking and wasting time isn’t making that two months go any faster.  It isn’t making me feel any better.  I LIKE looking at houses but when I start to ponder and wonder I have to stop.  God’s got this all in control, He doesn’t need me to drive.  Whether I sit down with a list of ALL the bases in the world and try to put them into some sense of order based on where we’d like to go or not, we’ll still ONLY get a list of the possible bases in two months.

Today is an off day for the Wellbutrin so I’ve taken two L-Theanine capsules so far.  In the good news category though my bp was great this morning!  Despite not getting enough sleep (nightmare around 4am and waking up earlier than I’d planned for the day)!

Keep praying folks, this is going to be a long haul……

No funny stories.  No cute pictures.  No amazing insights or revelations to share.

It’s just me, laid bare and trying to listen.  I’ve come to some conclusions regarding my health lately and the steps to alter them will not be easy ones.  The road will be long and sometimes painful.  The people closest to me will have to love me through some ugly days.  God will have to put up with my ranting, my crying and my holding on for dear life when I feel like I’m falling off the edge.

Those of you who don’t know all the gory details here is the rundown:

• Medically I’m old.
• No seriously.  I’m not kidding.
• Perimenopause at 36.
• Hot flashes and 16 day periods.
• Just shy of glaucoma eye pressures at 36.
• Blood pressure issues.

I came off all of my allergy medications not long ago because they all cause blood pressure issues.  The last few visits to the doctor I’ve had some fairly high bp readings.  Besides, using the sinus rinse has helped tremendously.  On bad days I just have to use it twice.

Now I’m down to three prescriptions: Nexium, Wellbutrin & Alesse.

Nexium is for GERD (basically for reflux).

Wellbutrin is for the crazy.

Alesse is a low dose birth control pill that is supposedly going to fix the 16 day period issue, though it does absolutely nothing for the hot flashes and not sleeping.

Of the three meds, Wellbutrin and Alesse both elevate blood pressure.  So I had to come to a decision to find a way to wean off Wellbutrin and use some natural remedies.

This means that my poor family will have to put up with the clawing and gnashing of teeth that goes along with coming off this med.

This also means that you guys will be seeing posts about my journey through the pit and my clawing my way back out WITHOUT meds.  If  you don’t want to read about all this, please feel free to let me know and I’ll take you off the notify list.  Or you can just click the X and ignore the posts you don’t want to read.  I’m completely ok with that.

Some of the posts may be dark and sad.  I may cry through the writing of them.  I may rant and rave, stomp and scream.

Some of the posts may be lighter and hopeful.  I may cry through the writing of those as well.

So, here goes……

Bon voyage.

I’m continuing with my post from last week.

6.  Being able to help a new neighbor-I knew we had a new family across the street.  I had seen the evidence of their arrival.  New car in the driveway.  Blinds opened to let in the day.  However, I had yet to see any people outside.  Today, a lovely woman named Earnestina came to my door.  She was frantic.  She had a phone in her hand and was trying to see if I had the number to housing.  Seems her grandson had locked himself in the room and couldn’t get out.  The doors lock from the inside but he was very young, maybe two years old, and couldn’t understand her instructions of how to open the door.  Rather than making her wait for the housing folks, who would most likely take forever, I grabbed my trusty door opening tool (a strangely bent fork we’ve used MANY times) and headed over to help.  As soon as I walked in their door I could hear the crying.  Poor little guy was hysterical.  Took 10 seconds to pop the door open.  Took a nanosecond for him to dart out the door and breathe a sigh of tear stained and sniffly relief.  Earnestina was so very gracious and thanked me profusely.  I just wanted her to know that we were always here anytime she needed us.  It felt nice to be able to help.

7.  Finding out that Katy’s asthma medicines can be lowered during certain times of the year. Seems she has more issues during the winter when colds are more prevalent.  Her current allergy medication seems to be keeping those under control which is wonderful since they can be an asthma trigger as well.  She’ll be reevaluated every three months to see how she’s doing.  We’ll discover a pattern as we go along and know ahead of time that she needs to up her medications prior to the winter.

8.  SEVEN MORE DAYS!!!! The Boy will be home in seven days.  One week.  Eight more sleeps.  Four more school days and a weekend.  I can’t wait!

9.  Blackberry cobbler. That may sound a little weird but I haven’t had blackberry cobbler in ages!  I’m so excited to make this one today.  Warm gooey blackberry filling.  Flaky, cake-like topping.  YUM!

10.  Webcams and video chat. This one should maybe go beside the SEVEN MORE DAYS entry.  I miss the sight of The Boy when he’s gone.  I miss his smile, his smirk, hearing his laugh, watching him.  But now that we have our webcams and we know how to use video chat it’s ALMOST like he’s here.  Now, if only we could figure out how to make long distance hugs and kisses……

And so I plan to keep a running list of things in my life that make my cup run over.  With love.  With joy.  With tenderness.  Those things that make my heart smile.  And so I begin…..

1. My beautiful Savior.  How could I start with anything less.  Without Him I am nothing.  Without His grace and mercy I would fail miserably and not be able to recover.
2. My amazing husband.  Oh the crazy that man puts up with!  He endures my highs and lows, my wild ideas and my crushing defeats, all with a sweetness of spirit I can’t fathom.  He lives Christ every day in our relationship.  He holds me up when I feel I can’t go on.  He crushes me in a hug when I must let go and cry until I am spent.  He loves me with a love I can’t explain and I adore him.
3. My amazing daughters. These girls…..what can I even say to begin explaining the gifts God has given me in them.  They daily reshape my view of the world.  Of love.  Of acceptance.  Of unbridled joy.  Of how I use words.  Their hearts are tender and fragile and my words affect them greatly.  They test the fruits of my spirit and challenge me to walk in them in spite of how I feel.  I am so blessed to be witness to their slow and beautiful metamorphosis from sparkly crown and dress up wearing young girls to make up and boy fascinated young ladies.
4. My girlfriends.  How could I survive this nomadic Air Force life without the fantastic women God brings into my life at each and every new base?  It is a simple picture of how much God cares about the tiny details of my life.  In each new season God plants a new group of friends that love me, that challenge me to grow in my walk with Him, that make me laugh until my face hurts and I cry, that believe in me even when I don’t.  And yet, He also blesses me with continuing friendships from where I grew up.  I love these women with a fierceness that rivals a mama bear.
5. Words.  I’m not even sure, oddly enough, how to put into words my love of words.  I am a words of affirmation gal.  The smallest words can buoy me for days or slash my heart.  Words have power and beauty and strength.  How we use those words is a challenge to our walk with Christ.  We can use them to build up and encourage, to sweeten and pour out love.  Or we can use them to tear down and berate, to belittle dreams and sour relationships.  Words last longer than the time it takes to say them and once released cannot be taken back.  They are a sword that should be used with great discretion.

I know this is supposed to be done on Mondays but I just found it.  I plan to continue though and steadily add to my thousand.  I pray that I can show a glimpse into how God has and continues to bless me.

NO!  I am so much more than that.  What I see as flaws or weaknesses, God sees as opportunities to show His strength.  He thinks I’m beautiful.  Smart.  Capable.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we focus on the negatives that we see rather than the truth that we know?

I have this tendency when The Boy is gone to get locked in on the fact that he’s not here.  To lament and bemoan the fact that I don’t have him here.  To wile away the days in an incessant countdown of each 24 hours I must plod through in order to have him back here.  Then I had my 2×4 moment……

I had driven over to Alexandria yesterday to return some videos we’d rented.  The girls had stayed at the house, working on their schoolwork.  Steven was on video chat with them and I left knowing he’d keep an “eye” on them.

Now, normally when I have the opportunity to be in the car alone I crank up the music, roll the windows down and sing like an idiot.  But, recently I had read something about turning down the background noise in our lives and just being quiet.  Stop being afraid of the silence.  And I began to wonder what thoughts exactly was I trying to drown out with all that noise?  So I got into the car and didn’t turn on the music.  I just drove.  Round trip this trek to the video store takes me almost an hour.  (I know, nothing is nearby here.  It’s crazy.)

At first it was somewhat odd.  I felt the need to, mentally at least, talk to myself.  I found myself making mental notes and lists for later.  About the time I got on the interstate (roughly 7-10 minutes after getting in the car) I made myself stop.  I began to just listen.

Now granted, there was no sudden epiphany.  It wasn’t like a giant light bulb went off or a choir of angels descended on the hood of my car in a flash of brilliant light to announce my Ah Ha moment.

What there was was a slow dawning of realization.  A “well duh” moment that slipped in without me noticing.  I had walked in, dropped off the movies and had gotten back into my car.  As I’m looking behind me to back out of my parking space it happened.

I asked myself why in the world am I sooooo focused on the fact that The Boy isn’t here?  Why am I not focused on the fact that today I have my girls waiting at home?  Why am I not rejoicing in the fact that even though he isn’t here I can talk to him every day.  Most days I can talk to him, via email, more than I do when he’s physically nearby.

What do I gain by focusing on the “don’t haves”?  What am I missing by overlooking the simple joys I do have?  Why am I not celebrating the simple fact that I’m alive?  That Christ loves me and each and every day is a gift?

How much time have I wasted on this?  How many amazing opportunities have I let pass me by because I couldn’t get my head out of the hole of self-pity?

Today, I’m striving to turn down the background noise.  To listen for and look for opportunities to rejoice in who I am.  In whose I am.  In what I have.  In the air I breathe, the flowers I see.  To shout from the mountain tops that today is a gift and I intend to open it carefully and relish each tiny bit of it.

God has given me the light for my feet along this path I’m walking.  Now, He doesn’t say we have a flood lamp that shows our path from beginning to end.  Nor does He say that He’s going to necessarily give us a sneak peek at the end of the road either.  What he does say is that He will give us enough light to see where we are and a few steps ahead.  What we have to have faith in and believe, even when we can’t see it, is that He holds the rest of that path in His hand.  That no matter what is on that path, He’s there.  Even if you feel like you’re walking your path in the dark with barely enough light to see your toes, God will show you what to do with it.

For several years now Steven and I have talked at great length about buying a home with some land.  We want to have a garden and a few animals.  We want to learn to be as self sufficient as we can be.

The desire to put down roots is a perfectly normal one.  All of us want a place to call home.  With military families I believe that desire is always there but for the majority of their time in the service we have to shove it to the side and learn to be happy with our nomadic lifestyle.  But as we get closer and closer to the possible end of our time in the Air Force that desire seems to be shouting more than whispering.

Are we searching for a place to put down roots or are we really searching for a place to spread our wings and see how well we’ve learned to fly?

God has shown us so much about ourselves here.  About seeing ourselves as He sees us.  Knowing that what we think isn’t the point.  None of that matters.  It isn’t our problem.  There’s a bigger picture that we can’t see.  God’s plans always include so much more than we can ever dream of.

God has big plans in store to use this desire of our hearts.  Who knows what we’ll do or where we’ll go.

We’ll have to wait and see because right now our light doesn’t shine that far.

With regular blogging I can proofread and edit.  I can reword things when I don’t think they’re funny.  I can’t go back and reread and decide, blech I don’t like the way that sounds.

With video blogging, well there’s video for one.  Heh.  Means I have to put myself out there.  Show myself in all my (sometimes not so shiny) glory.  I have to think about what I’m going to say BEFORE I say it.  Novel concept, I know.

But, why am I worried about putting myself out there?  Isn’t that what this is all about anyway?

I’ve been having a conversation with myself and with a few other ladies recently about loving ourselves.  Not only our quirks and our crazy but loving our bodies right where they are.  Not swimsuit model bodies.  Not perfect 5′10″ 105lb., perky boobed, tanned and gorgeous.  How about 5′3″, ____lbs, not so perky boobed, freckled and average?  How’s that for a mental image?

Do I love myself enough to do that?  Can I be ok with who I am and walk forward?  If Christ can love me freckles, stretch marks, gimpy leg and all, why can’t I love myself?

My “self project” for the rest of this year is about getting real.  More real than I’ve ever been with myself.  About truly looking at myself and loving lil’ ole’ me.  Ok, not so little, but you get the point right?

So I guess that means that you, dear reader, will have to endure this process with me.  Or push the X at the top of your screen and wait it out.

I’ve got some pictures and videos to share but I’ll babble while they download.

Becky & Craig came to visit during their spring break.  I’m so glad they came!  It was, as always, loads of fun.  We did a lot of sight seeing, goofing around and just generally enjoying ourselves.  This trip is likely their last visit to our home here.  By the time the next visit opportunity presents itself we should be PCS’ed somewhere else.  I wonder if it will be as big a company draw as D.C. has been.  If it’s off in Timbuktu somewhere we may not see anyone for the entire 3 years we’re there.

Alrighty, my photos & video have finally downloaded!

We went to the White House Easter Egg Roll this year.  Steven has volunteered and worked at it in years past but the girls and I had never gone.  Steven was told that only children under 12 were allowed to go and we, sadly, had to tell Katy that she couldn’t go.  Turns out it was 12 and under and she could’ve gone. Sigh.

Anyway, maybe I’m just jaded and old.  Maybe it’s just that I can’t stand D.C. crowds and extreme rudeness.  I mean we were there for our kids, not ourselves.  It was supposed to be a fun day for the kids to enjoy.  Turned out to be a mad house.  I don’t know how many people they let onto the South Lawn at one time but it was ridiculously crowded.  Here’s the view from our spot in line for the Egg Roll.

I’m quite short so I couldn’t get my camera high enough to get a true representation of the massiveness of the crowd.  Let’s just say there wasn’t room to walk, think or breathe in there.

When we lined up for the egg roll, the lady had put Emily behind Elizabeth in the same line.  I was fine with that because it meant that I could photograph and videotape each of them.  So I’m snapping pictures and taking video of Lizzy thinking I had plenty of time to get Emily when all of a sudden, Emily pops up beside me.  She’s done!  They had moved her down two rows and sent her on.  I never saw her at all.  :*(

Easter Egg Roll 2010

By the time we’d been there an hour (out of the two hour slot we were allotted) the girls were over it and ready to go.  They didn’t like the crowds and rudeness any more than I did.  Plus they’d gotten very little sleep.

So we went home, got changed into more comfy clothes and shoes and headed out with the Tarks to see the sights.  I thought for sure the three of us (mostly me) would be miserable and whiny all day.  But, amazingly, we weren’t.  :)