Anyone who has known me for long knows that I suffer from depression.  Not the “Buck up and get over it” kind.  Not the “It’ll pass” kind.  Not the “She’s just a little down” kind.  I am medically diagnosed.  I have struggled off and on for years.  I can remember in high school having these same issues.  I didn’t know it was depression then.  I just thought something was wrong with me and I was too afraid to tell anyone how bad it could get.  I have always felt shame and fear at the thought of someone “finding out”.  I felt that people would either think less of me or think “poor poor thing”.  Neither of which was a response I wanted.  I haven’t shared much about it in the blog over the years because, well quite frankly it’s letting it all hang out to your friends and family.  It’s scary.  

As I approach my 35th  year, I have come to a point in my life where I realize that this side of healing or heaven I’ll be on my meds for the rest of my life.  That thought used to scare me.  I thought that it meant I was somehow less.  Inferior.  Broken.

Through the last 11 years I have been on two medications.  The first one I came off of because of the side effects.  The second I went on about 5 or 6 years ago and it works really well.  Trouble is I would get to the point where I felt great.  I felt like me.  The real me.  The one who laughs and makes stupid jokes.  The one who I like.  The one that feels real and normal and, though somewhat odd, is me.  I’d get back to “normal” and think to myself “I don’t need these meds.  See how well I am doing!  This is great!” and I’d take myself off the meds.

Bad idea.

I’d come off the meds and things would be okay for a while.   But it was always short lived.  Unlike the buck up kind of depression my situation is not short-lived.  I don’t take The Anti-Crazy (what I affectionately call my meds) to get through a season.  I take them to be able to face life.  

Clinical depression, as you probably know, can be something that is passed down genetically.  I have a long line of “crazy” in my family, on my Daddy’s side.  I didn’t know this until about 6 months before my Daddy died.  He had been on medication for depression and anxiety (I think) since high school.  Um, hello!  That would have been useful information for a girl who thought she was just nuts. 

Armed with this knowledge I face the future without fear.  I have three daughters who I pray every day don’t have to struggle with this.  The likelihood that they will though is pretty high.  But, I know the signs to look for now.  They know they can talk to me about anything.  If they are having trouble they can tell me.  I won’t ignore it or brush it under the rug.  I will hold them and love them and we will walk through The Pit together.  

Someone recently asked me to describe what depression felt like for me.  That’s a tall order and a difficult one.  I wasn’t sure how to describe it.  In the past I’ve referred to it as The Pit.  You’re standing in the bottom of this giant hole.  You can see the light from the top wayyyyyyy up there but don’t feel like you ever stand a chance of getting to it.  No amount of climbing or calling for help will do it from way down there.  This time, I described it this way:

It feels tired and dark.  So tired that some days I’d rather just stay in bed and not get up to face it all.  Miserable.  Lonely.  Even surrounded by my friends and family I felt lonely.  It feels like I can’t do anything right.  It feels like they’d all be much happier if I wasn’t around screwing everything up.  Not that I’ve ever had suicidal thoughts but I have had “run away” thoughts my whole life.

Alone.  Desperate.  Sad.  As though if I let myself start crying I may never stop.  It physically hurts sometimes.  One of my primary love languages (after words of affirmation, heh, imagine that?!) is physical touch.  And at times I physically ache to be held.  Just to collapse in the arms of someone who loves me and stay there and cry until I’m spent.  

I have stopped and started this post many times recently.  I stop and think “What are you DOING?”  They don’t need to know this.  They’ll think you’re a lunatic or the next time they see you they’ll have “the poor, poor thing” face.  I know, down deep, that a lot of that is me projecting my thoughts and feelings to them and they wouldn’t necessarily feel or act that way.  But this fear comes from a place deep inside and it’s hard to quiet sometimes.

Speaking of quieting inner things, I don’t know if this is from the depression or just in general but I have a terribly hard time quieting the negative thoughst in my head.  It’s a constant battle.  I still, after 19 years of knowing and loving him, have to fight the urge to contradict The Boy when he compliments me.  ”You are beautiful” he might say.  I immediately start to think “No I’m not” or “It’s just  a good hair day” or “You’re biased because you love me” or some such.  I have to fight my own mind.  I’m learning to try to graciously accept compliments with a thank you all the while shutting those thoughts out.   

If you struggle with depression or any sort of “crazy” and ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact me.  If it is too hard to talk face to face or on the phone, email me.  I have a very hard time talking about this face to face or on the phone when I’m in the midst of the low.  I completely understand.

I’m not brimming with ideas this morning so I cheated and used a meme for filler today.  I’m working on a post about “The Crazy” so it’ll be a doozy when it’s ready.  In the mean time, bear with me.

randomness…feed your mind and your blog 

 Name 3 of each:

-Pet Peeves-

1. Interrupting – Holy cow!  This drives me batty.  How can we have a conversation if we never get to complete a thought?  I KNOW that what you have to say is very important and life altering and fabulous but can you hang on to that thought until I finish mine?  :)  (Can you tell my tween is having issues with waiting her turn?)
2.  Non-Blinker Usage – When did the world become such an inconsiderate place, I ask you?  Blinker usage in smaller towns may not be a big deal.  If we still lived in Fitzgerald and someone didn’t turn on a blinker to get in my lane there most likely wouldn’t be any damage.  No harm, no foul.  Here, in D.C., where people apparently surrender their driving abilities, politeness and ALL common sense to the DMV upon arrival, blinkers are a must.  Yes, I know that your exit snuck up on you.  Yes, I know that you now have 1/4 mile to get across four lanes of traffic to get to said exit.  Yes, I’ve been in the same position.  No, you cannot cut me off with no blinker, yell at me, call me names and then potentially cause a zillion car pile up on the Wilson Bridge because you don’t know where you’re going.  Yes, I know that getting off at the next exit should (but probably won’t) take you to a spot where you can turn around and go back.  It’s frustrating.  But be frustrated for a minute, for crying out loud, and don’t kill all of us!  
3. Shopping around Christmas in particular Black Friday – Y’all, I’m serious when I say I’d rather just not have Christmas altogether than go through that madness.  Enough said.

Close Friends (this one is hard as I’ve made good friends in several states via the Air Force moves)

1. Becky – AKA Beck, The Beckster, Becky and Craig – We’ve been best friends since the 8th grade.  1988 people.  We have stayed close through the years.  Through us moving farther and farther away, through kids, and life and chaos.  She loves me despite The Crazy and I can’t thank her enough for it.
2. Lynn - My Biloxi buddy.  We lived through Katrina together folks and then the aftermath of The Blue Roof.  Despite the fact that we are literally on opposite sides of the world right now, she still makes me smile on a regular basis.  
3. Connie - AKA Oreo – She was the first person I met when we came to D.C.  I KNEW when I heard her talking that I had found someone who was just as crazy as me and I knew I could be good friends with her.  We can talk for hours (literally) and still not cover all the thoughts that run through our heads.  She knows about The Crazy and loves me anyway.  She jokingly says she needs to borrow my prescription for The Anti-Crazy….but I’m not sharing.  :)  Through Connie I’ve met two other fantastic gals (F and S) who are part of my Network of Sanity here in Yankee-ville.  The COT gals make my day.  

-Favorite Movies – another tough one to narrow down

1. Sense and Sensibility - I have worn out several copies of this movie.  Literally worn out.  I know it word for word.  I still cry every time Eleanor finds out Edward didn’t get married.  
2. Pride and Prejudice - I prefer the BBC version (um, hello, Colin Firth!!) but I own both it and the newer Keira Knightly version.  Incadescently happy, yep, that’s right Mrs. Darcy.
3. House of Flying Daggers – Yes, that’s a huge leap from Jane Austen flicks above.  But this movie is cinematically beautiful.  Doesn’t hurt that there are some awesome martial arts scenes with Wuxia  which fascinates me.  I have an eclectic movie collection.

-Foods You Love

1. Chinese 
2. Mexican
3. Potato Soup (mine)

-Favorite Books (besides the bible)

1. Outlander – history, love, time travel, Scottland…what else could you ask for.  I own and love this entire series.  If you haven’t read it, you should.  
2. All of the Darcy books by Elizabeth Aston
3. Most everything I’ve read by Jodi Picoult

-TV Shows You Like (we don’t have cable anymore so I’m woefully behind)

1. Mythbusters
2. Top Chef (though I haven’t watched in ages)
3. ???

Here’s a list of all the books I read in 2008.  I find it interesting to look back and see what books I really enjoyed in years past.  It’s been  a slow reading year for me and I’m not sure why.  I have a HUGE list of books I want to read.  Trouble is I keep adding to it so it never seems to get smaller.  I also want to recommend a website, paperbackswap.com .  It’s a fantastic way to read the books you want without having to buy them new.  For the cost of shipping one of your books to someone else, you can get a book of your own.  A lot of the books I’ve read this year are from there.

1. Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons by Lorna Landvik 
2. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
3. A Child Called “It”: One Child’s Courage to Survive by Dave Pelzer
4. The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards
5. Therapy (Alex Delaware #18) by Jonathan Kellerman
6. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
7. The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver
8. Greek Myths for Young Children 
9. Dragonfly in Amber by Diana Gabaldon
10. Henry Huggins by Beverly Cleary
11. Drums of Autumn by Diana Gabaldon
12. Little Pear by Eleanor Frances Lattimore
13. Missionary Stories with the Millers by Mildred A. Martin
14. Carry On Mr. Bowditch by Jean Lee Latham
15. The Fiery Cross by Diana Gabaldon
16. Voyager by Diana Gabaldon
17. A Breath of Snow and Ashes by Diana Gabaldon
18. The Eyre Affair: A Thursday Next Novel by Jasper Fforde
19. Sophie’s Choice by William Styron
20. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth
21. Unspoken by Angela Hunt
22. Mr. Darcy’s Daughters by Elizabeth Aston
23. The True Darcy Spirit by Elizabeth Aston
24. The Exploits and Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy by Elizabeth Aston
25. The Second Mrs. Darcy by Elizabeth Aston
26. How to Be a God Chaser and a Kid Chaser by Tommy Tenney & Thetus Tenney
27. One Hundred and One Devotions for Homeschool Moms by Jackie Wellwood
28. The Darcy Connection by Elizabeth Aston
29. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
30. Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult
31. Embrace Me by Lisa Samson
32. Quaker Summer by Lisa Samson
33. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling
34. Harry Potter ad the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
35. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See
36. Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld
37. Fatal Tide by Iris Johansen
38. Justice by Faye Kellerman
39. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
40. Night Fall by Nelson DeMille
41. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Montgomery
42. Twisted by Jonathan Kellerman

I can’t think of any others right off the top of my head.  But, there are still so many books I want to read.  Do you have any suggestions?