No, not the 80’s hair band Journey.  A journey.  A trip.  A growing as we travel through our lives.  That’s we’re on.  We’re all on one, I know, but right now I can see that we as a family, as a couple, as individuals, are on one heck of a journey.

See, I’m a planner.  I love a plan.  I love to have boxes to check off and things written down.  I love having something to look forward to, something to work towards.  Sometimes I am way TOO forward focused.  Too set on having to know what we’re doing, where we’re going, how we’re going to get there and when.

Steven, you aren’t allowed to comment on that tid bit.  :)

I think it comes from a false sense of control.  I think that I have this innate need to “be in control”, which of course is an illusion anyway.  I despise feeling out of control.  Hate crying because I am afraid that if I let go of that control and just cry I’ll never stop.  Which is complete mess because I am a crier by nature.  Am I afraid to just let go of the wheel and face each day individually without a “plan”?  Am I afraid that if I don’t somehow have “control” that things won’t work out?

Probably.

I feel sort of adrift at sea.  A tiny lifeboat bobbing in the waves.  No oars, no motor, no ships on the horizon to scoop me out of the water.  No land in sight.  Just drifting aimlessly.  Waiting.  For something.  What is that something?  When is it coming?  Do I just sit here and wait?  Do I try to get out of the boat and swim until I find it?

How do I handle waiting?  Well, heh, obviously not well.  Do I put life on hold until “it” happens?  Do I continue to decorate and make this house a home when we may or may not be moving in the near future?

I feel myself unplugging already, so to speak.  I think that’s a military defense mechanism.  As military families, we know we’ll have to move.  That’s pretty much inevitable.  So, we learn to face it, head on.  We learn that it is usually best to detach ourselves mentally prior to a move because we’ll have to start all over again in the next place.  Thank the Lord we’ve only had to do this a handful of times so far.

That is proof that God knows what He’s doing.  Had we been a family that moved constantly when Steven and I first got married, I honestly don’t think I would’ve handled it well.  I’m not that person anymore.  I feel light years away from that 19 year old girl who was afraid of everything.  Afraid to open her mouth.

So where do I go from here?  There is no decision on the horizon, nor one to look for just beyond that.  We’re trying to wait on God for that decision and His help in where to go from here.  Waiting is hard.  Sometimes, it down right sucks.  But what else can I do?

So I wait.