I’m blank.  Not sure where to start.  I’ve got 10,000 things going on in my head and none of it has a good starting point.

No funny stories.  No cute pictures.  No amazing insights or revelations to share.

It’s just me, laid bare and trying to listen.  I’ve come to some conclusions regarding my health lately and the steps to alter them will not be easy ones.  The road will be long and sometimes painful.  The people closest to me will have to love me through some ugly days.  God will have to put up with my ranting, my crying and my holding on for dear life when I feel like I’m falling off the edge.

Those of you who don’t know all the gory details here is the rundown:

• Medically I’m old.
• No seriously.  I’m not kidding.
• Perimenopause at 36.
• Hot flashes and 16 day periods.
• Just shy of glaucoma eye pressures at 36.
• Blood pressure issues.

I came off all of my allergy medications not long ago because they all cause blood pressure issues.  The last few visits to the doctor I’ve had some fairly high bp readings.  Besides, using the sinus rinse has helped tremendously.  On bad days I just have to use it twice.

Now I’m down to three prescriptions: Nexium, Wellbutrin & Alesse.

Nexium is for GERD (basically for reflux).

Wellbutrin is for the crazy.

Alesse is a low dose birth control pill that is supposedly going to fix the 16 day period issue, though it does absolutely nothing for the hot flashes and not sleeping.

Of the three meds, Wellbutrin and Alesse both elevate blood pressure.  So I had to come to a decision to find a way to wean off Wellbutrin and use some natural remedies.

This means that my poor family will have to put up with the clawing and gnashing of teeth that goes along with coming off this med.

This also means that you guys will be seeing posts about my journey through the pit and my clawing my way back out WITHOUT meds.  If  you don’t want to read about all this, please feel free to let me know and I’ll take you off the notify list.  Or you can just click the X and ignore the posts you don’t want to read.  I’m completely ok with that.

Some of the posts may be dark and sad.  I may cry through the writing of them.  I may rant and rave, stomp and scream.

Some of the posts may be lighter and hopeful.  I may cry through the writing of those as well.

So, here goes……

Bon voyage.

I’m continuing with my post from last week.

6.  Being able to help a new neighbor-I knew we had a new family across the street.  I had seen the evidence of their arrival.  New car in the driveway.  Blinds opened to let in the day.  However, I had yet to see any people outside.  Today, a lovely woman named Earnestina came to my door.  She was frantic.  She had a phone in her hand and was trying to see if I had the number to housing.  Seems her grandson had locked himself in the room and couldn’t get out.  The doors lock from the inside but he was very young, maybe two years old, and couldn’t understand her instructions of how to open the door.  Rather than making her wait for the housing folks, who would most likely take forever, I grabbed my trusty door opening tool (a strangely bent fork we’ve used MANY times) and headed over to help.  As soon as I walked in their door I could hear the crying.  Poor little guy was hysterical.  Took 10 seconds to pop the door open.  Took a nanosecond for him to dart out the door and breathe a sigh of tear stained and sniffly relief.  Earnestina was so very gracious and thanked me profusely.  I just wanted her to know that we were always here anytime she needed us.  It felt nice to be able to help.

7.  Finding out that Katy’s asthma medicines can be lowered during certain times of the year. Seems she has more issues during the winter when colds are more prevalent.  Her current allergy medication seems to be keeping those under control which is wonderful since they can be an asthma trigger as well.  She’ll be reevaluated every three months to see how she’s doing.  We’ll discover a pattern as we go along and know ahead of time that she needs to up her medications prior to the winter.

8.  SEVEN MORE DAYS!!!! The Boy will be home in seven days.  One week.  Eight more sleeps.  Four more school days and a weekend.  I can’t wait!

9.  Blackberry cobbler. That may sound a little weird but I haven’t had blackberry cobbler in ages!  I’m so excited to make this one today.  Warm gooey blackberry filling.  Flaky, cake-like topping.  YUM!

10.  Webcams and video chat. This one should maybe go beside the SEVEN MORE DAYS entry.  I miss the sight of The Boy when he’s gone.  I miss his smile, his smirk, hearing his laugh, watching him.  But now that we have our webcams and we know how to use video chat it’s ALMOST like he’s here.  Now, if only we could figure out how to make long distance hugs and kisses……

I recently found something that completely flows into how I’ve been trying to change my focus in life.  Being appreciative, thankful, more focused on the good and less focused on the bad.

And so I plan to keep a running list of things in my life that make my cup run over.  With love.  With joy.  With tenderness.  Those things that make my heart smile.  And so I begin…..

1. My beautiful Savior.  How could I start with anything less.  Without Him I am nothing.  Without His grace and mercy I would fail miserably and not be able to recover.
2. My amazing husband.  Oh the crazy that man puts up with!  He endures my highs and lows, my wild ideas and my crushing defeats, all with a sweetness of spirit I can’t fathom.  He lives Christ every day in our relationship.  He holds me up when I feel I can’t go on.  He crushes me in a hug when I must let go and cry until I am spent.  He loves me with a love I can’t explain and I adore him.
3. My amazing daughters. These girls…..what can I even say to begin explaining the gifts God has given me in them.  They daily reshape my view of the world.  Of love.  Of acceptance.  Of unbridled joy.  Of how I use words.  Their hearts are tender and fragile and my words affect them greatly.  They test the fruits of my spirit and challenge me to walk in them in spite of how I feel.  I am so blessed to be witness to their slow and beautiful metamorphosis from sparkly crown and dress up wearing young girls to make up and boy fascinated young ladies.
4. My girlfriends.  How could I survive this nomadic Air Force life without the fantastic women God brings into my life at each and every new base?  It is a simple picture of how much God cares about the tiny details of my life.  In each new season God plants a new group of friends that love me, that challenge me to grow in my walk with Him, that make me laugh until my face hurts and I cry, that believe in me even when I don’t.  And yet, He also blesses me with continuing friendships from where I grew up.  I love these women with a fierceness that rivals a mama bear.
5. Words.  I’m not even sure, oddly enough, how to put into words my love of words.  I am a words of affirmation gal.  The smallest words can buoy me for days or slash my heart.  Words have power and beauty and strength.  How we use those words is a challenge to our walk with Christ.  We can use them to build up and encourage, to sweeten and pour out love.  Or we can use them to tear down and berate, to belittle dreams and sour relationships.  Words last longer than the time it takes to say them and once released cannot be taken back.  They are a sword that should be used with great discretion.

I know this is supposed to be done on Mondays but I just found it.  I plan to continue though and steadily add to my thousand.  I pray that I can show a glimpse into how God has and continues to bless me.