I've learned some things this past week. Nothing is more important than my faith, my family and friend relationships and my home. In the end, nothing else matters. I'm making a concious effort to refocus my life.
As parents we have such tremendous influence on the kind of adults are kids become. It all comes down to choices. Each time I open my mouth, I have a choice. With my words and my hands, I can build up or I can tear down. Each instance is indeliably stamped on my daughters' personalities.
(written much later and on a completely different train of thought)
Katy and Emily had a collision tonight. Playing tag at the ball field waiting for practice, Katy's mouth collided with Emily's head. Emily, though shaken, was unscathed. Katy didn't fair so well. Her tooth shoved up, bruising her gum quite badly and loosening the tooth a good bit. She also bit into her bottom lip. Katy freaks when she has a tiny scratch so you can imagine the hysteria that ensued when blood was dripping from her mouth. We ended up just coming home. You can't practice teeball if you can't stop screaming.
I have added some new photos over at the photoblog. A trip down memory lane and a trip to Georgia. Images that I'll never forget, in either case.
Sunset 1 Sunset 2 Sunset 3 Sunset 4 (at Mama's)
Ducks at Aunt Linda and Uncle Kyle's
Steven in the great outdoors
Flowers for Papa
The graveside flowers
A good ole' Hog
Mama and Daddy
Mama and Daddy a bit later
Mama, Daddy and Me
Me at about 4 (Do you see Emily?)
We'll be heading back tomorrow morning. Need to get some flowers from the girls to put at Daddy's grave. Katy'd asked if we could do that for her. I'll take some pictures for her. Joe put a Harley sign on there yesterday.
Other than that I'm surviving. Yesterday was rough but we made it through. This hasn't "hit me" yet. I mean I've felt some of it, but the reality of it all will probably hit me later.
I miss my girls.
Written 22 March
Numb. That's how I spent most of the day yesterday. We spent the night in a hotel and got back on the road this morning.
Have you ever had a dream where you woke up and things seemed so real that the change between dream and reality is hard to decipher? Feels like I'm walking around under water, life in slow motion. I suppose because we aren't there yet and I haven't had to talk to anyone face to face. I've kept all of this at arm's length. Pushed it away, stuffed it in a corner to be dealt with later. Because, you know, it doesn't feel real yet.
Few tears were shed yesterday as I fumbled around in my life. Steven took care of everything. I couldn't deal with this without him. I know he's bothered by the "unfixabillity" of the situation. He feels helpless. Funny thing, so do I.
Today hasn't been too easy. I wonder if our physical proximity to "the truth" is escalating the emotion again. I woke up at 7:00, no alarm clock. Just woke, couldn't go back to sleep. I cried through my whole shower. Water drops from the shower head mixed with the tears as I prayed and prepared to face the day.
When we make it to my mom's and the endless barrage of apologies have to be dealt with I'll have to fight to keep my compsure. Sure, no one expects me to be composed but I have a hard time letting go. Must be the control freak in me.
I can only imagine how hard it will be to stop crying once I get home.
(update since written)
The arrangements have been made and the viewing is Tuesday and the funeral is Wednesday. I can't even focus on the idea of any of that, yet. A surreal thing off in the distance. Maybe, if I don't think about it too hard, maybe I can delay the pain a little longer.
(update Tuesday night)
I survived the viewing. I stayed in a little room off to the side and people kept going into the room where Daddy was and asking for me. They wandered around and eventually found us. I saw people I haven't seen in years. There were lots of very nice flower arrangements.
Steven and Mama both looked at him in the casket. They agreed that I shouldn't look. Apparently he doesn't look like himself at all. I've learned some of the "details" about the wreck and I am not surprised at all that he doesn't look like he should.
After the funeral tomorrow, I hope to know more about what happens next and we'll be going home.
I won't be around for a while. We're driving to Georgia some time tomorrow. My dad was in a motorcycle accident early this evening. I don't know any of the funeral details at the moment. I just know we are leaving. I don't know when we'll be back yet.
I think I'm in shock. I've cried and cried until my eyes and my throat hurt. I haven't even said the words because every time I do all that comes out are sobs. I couldn't even type them without crying.
We are going to the store in a bit to buy all the paraphernalia needed to wash and wax the van and truck. Man oh man do they need it. We washed the new "paint" off the other day. You know, that new color everyone is sportin' on their car, Pollen Green. They both could use a "freal" wash and wax. We need to clean the windows and Rain X the windshields. The windows in Steven's truck are horrible. When we had to drive it all the time the girls were close enough that they could rub their grimy little paws all over them. Lovely, artistic blobs fashioned from many miles and much boredom.
So, that's our morning plan.
This afternoon Katy has teeball practice. She's very excited though a tad worried (what else is new) that she hasn't gotten any better at catching. I reminded her that she hasn't even picked up a ball or glove in a year.
Not sure what tonight will bring. I plan to just enjoy the fact that Steven is at home.
New photos up. You can start here and work your way through.
Gotta fix dinner for the family.
Night shift seems to drain my brain of all coherent thought. Doesn't help that I'm working on about 5 hours of sleep and practically no down time. I have water aerobics in the morning so that is an hour of escape at least. Steven and I have to work very hard to find "just us" time to reconnect when he works nights and it gets to me very quickly when we don't. I get snappy and grouchy. Okay, more so than the normal version.
I'd like to sit down tonight after the girls are in bed and work on the article that is swimming around in my head. I'd also like to dig out some of my poetry (or write some new stuff) to submit as well. Ya know what? I have a crazy idea (i.e. I'm sure I'll never do this but it's fun to think about)! I should start my own online magazine (e-zine) for mama writers. Not likely to happen, but hey, a girl can dream.
I swept upstairs this morning and I'm not joking when I tell you I swept up enough cat hair to make another cat. When Charlotte and Daisy saw what I was up to, they promptly plopped themselves in the middle of the floor to deposit more. They can't have their creation foiled!! heh I'm about to sweep downstairs and I'm sure I'll find just as much down here. Add in the tiny bits of cheerios, the four thousand smiley face stickers that have lost their stick, a straw or two and your regular dirt and you've got a recipe for a mess.
I did straighten out my laundry room today. I've got one load of things that need to be washed seperately (or with similar colors) and then it's back to business as usual. You know, the 9,874,345 loads we do a week.
I need to go wake up Lizzy. We've easily slipped into the late nap, late bedtime routine. They all three need to ease back into the school hours schedule before Monday. Otherwise, I'll never peel Katy off me at school.
I added some photos. You can start here and use the "previous" and "next" buttons to see the others. I know the thumbnails are still wonky. I've got to remember to ask Dj how to fix those.
Had water aerobics again this morning. Came home and planted a bunch of flowers while Steven cleaned out the truck and the girls played. It's another beautiful day. We all enjoyed the sunshine.
Katy has her first teeball practice this Saturday. She's very excited about playing again this year. She definately needs the energy outlet.
I've got a ton to do and my "brain article" isn't ready yet, so you'll have to listen to drivel.
This window has been opened countless times since last Friday. I don't feel like I have anything to talk about right now. The "laundry list" type entry takes up space but is probably the least scintilating thing you'll read today. My brain is working on another "article" type entry but it isn't ready yet.
Speaking of articles, I reworked the water aerobics entry and took the plunge. I submitted it to an online magazine today. I can't tell you how anxious/nervous that made me. I'll probably never see these people face to face and still my stomach is all in knots as I wait for their "approval." Andrea gave me several different places to submit to online magazines/publications and I may still submit to other ones. I'm not good at waiting nor am I good at not caring what other people think of me.
What else, what else?
Water aerobics is going really well. Last night's class was definately a tougher workout. After I got home and the girls got ready for bed, I went upstairs to get Lizzy to sleep. I laid down with her, fully intending to get up and go back downstairs as soon as she drifted off. Next thing I know, Steven's crawling in to bed and telling me I was snoring like a freight train. Oops. I must've been worn out.
I'm steadily losing weight. Eighteen more pounds or so and I'll be back at "wedding day weight." Still overweight but so much better than before.
Katy's out of school this week for spring break. She and her sisters are having a good time playing together. They also enjoy staying up late with Mama and Daddy. Can't say that I blame them.
She's gone - I can quietly take over the blog and she can't stop me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7:45AM and I've dried a load and washed a load of clothes already. Something is wrong in the universe. If we're going to leave here today with clothes to wear it had to be done. Every fiber in my being shouted "NO! It's too early for this! Have you lost your mind woman??"
The shouting isn't going to stop. I'll be immersed in the (supposedly) warm pool jogging and buffalo shuffle-ing by 8:30. Can ya believe it?
All in the name of fitness, baby.
I say supposedly warm because the instructor tells me the water is a " comfortable 85 degrees" as our toes break the clear glassy surface. Then reality hits as those tummy muscles I'm here to tighten up with exercise try to squeeze their way into my neck when they meet the water.
I have to admit that after a bit of moving around, and no small amount of shivering on my part at least, things seem to warm up.
One hour and much splashing later another odd thing happens. This pool is used as a therapy pool for a local hospital's rehabilitation program. They have a long ramp with rails that you use to enter the pool instead of the standard steps or ladder. When we've finished with our workout, each of us heads over to the ramp. Reluctant to leave the water we now find quite warm, we begin to trudge our way up the ramp. I say trudge because after an hour in the water I felt like I weighed approximately 500 pounds and had stepped into a meat locker. The previously stuffy room now sends shivers down my spine. My towel is, of course, on the other side of the room making that dripping dart for warmth a tad longer.
We will thank our teacher for making us feel like human jello and make promises about less giggling in the next class. We'll wrap our warm fuzzy towels around us, slip on our shoes and head outside to go home to a hot shower. When the front door of the center opens and the brisk March air hits that soggy swimsuit and my much too pale skin, I turn into one giant goose pimple.
All in the name of fitness, baby.
My favorite part of the exercise routine is the water dumbbells. These things are basically foam versions of the kind you'd find in any standard rack of weights. We take these seemingly harmless, less than a pound a piece objects of torture and make our way out into the water. As you begin the first movement with the dumbbells you realize how wrong you were. These unassuming bits of foam make your arms, shoulders and back muscles feel as though you are trying to shove a full grown elephant through a port hole. I always have liked upper body workouts more so than the lower portion. I tend to have an uneven experience with any leg work, for obvious reasons. But the upper body stuff I can slug away at with equal gusto on both sides. The burning sensation in my shoulders and arms makes me giddy. The next day when Elizabeth wants to be carried down the stairs, however, is not such an enthusiastic experience.
All in the name of fitness, baby.
I found this link via Paisley's blog. I just had to share. So much more eloquant than I could've said it, but exactly what I'd thought.
NOTE: Radical Jesus Freak perspective shared here. If you don't like it, don't read it. And don't comment and tell me how wrong you think I am. :)
From 70's last week to barely passsing 60 today. I was out sweeping the driveway/carport and it was downright cold. That brisk March wind didn't warm things up either. Emily and Lizzy ran around and rode their bikes while I worked. It is rather tough to sweep leaves and stuff when the wind keeps blowing it around.
We find out today if we can pick up our van this weekend. The air conditioner repair man is looking at it today and we're praying that whatever is wrong with the A/C is easily found, easily fixed, and not horribly expensive.
I don't think we'll be buying another Dodge. You can't buy transmission fluid to use in it anywhere but the Dodge place. This translates, LOUDLY, into they can gouge you for whatever they want since they have no competition. I want a Honda. A small one. That's not likely to be in my future for ohhh, 10 years or so.
I've been working on this if you have noticed my absence. If you didn't notice, shame on you. Heh Thanks to Miz Dj and her friendly self for setting that up for me and answering my 90 gazillion questions without so much as a sigh. Well, not one that I can hear anyway. (Love you woman!)
There are pictures from our hiking/walking adventure we went on Saturday. We all had fun in the sunshine and spending time together. There was minimal whining. Emily was getting sweaty wearing her hat and fussed a bit about that. Lizzy eventually tired of walking so we put her up in the carrier and gave her a snack. I loved going and I can't wait for the next trip.
Sunday after church, Lynn and Jim kept the girls for us and we went to see The Passion. Man, I don't even know what to say. It's the most gripping experience I've ever had. I left with a face puffy from crying almost the entire time and stomach muscles clenched so tightly it felt as though I'd been doing sit ups for two hours.
Robin asked how I'd made out in my cleaning venture yesterday, so I thought I'd tell you guys how the rest of my day panned out. heh Buckle up, it's a wild ride.
(big sigh) Here goes.
I called on my way home from picking Katy up from school to see if Steven needed a ride, couldn't get him. We got home and the big girls went upstairs. Katy was supposed to change out of her uniform into play clothes and Emily went along for companionship mostly.
The phone rings, it's Steven. He does need a ride. I pause in conversation with him to tell the girls to hurry so we can go pick up Daddy. The very next words I hear are "Mama! I tee-teed a little bit on the floor" so I tell her to change her clothes and bring the wet ones down. Usually when she wets her pants a bit, it's only a smidge and her pants and panties are barely wet. That was, of course, not the case this time.
I hear what sounds like playing and falling upstairs. I call up to make sure no one is hurt, they are fine. Somewhere in here, Emily comes downstairs and her pants are soaked and her shirt is even wet. I take off her clothes, send her up for more because we have to leave NOW. She'll get a bath and clean clothes when we get back. (I know, gross. Wasn't much choice.)
Em goes back upstairs, Katy comes down. She's all proud of herself because she's dressed and has her shoes on. Then from upstairs I hear that Lizzy is in the bathroom via Emily screaming "MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA!"
I go up there to get Plunder Puss out of the sink. As I come to the top of the stairs and see that from the extra bedroom to the girls' bedroom and into the bathroom, the floor is wet.
I can tell from the way the water is spread all over the floor in a "pattern" that the slipping and falling I'd heard earlier and the reason Emily was wet from head to toeis right before me. She'd been running back and forth through it and sliding around the hallway.
Um, yeah. Gross is the nice word here.
Katy'd never said a word when she came downstairs. She just watched Emily do that, walked through it to come downstairs and showed me her clothes she had picked out.
Emily hadn't even put down a towel or told me that she'd done more than normal. And because I was in a hurry, I hadn't checked to start with. I laid down towels and we ran out the door to pick up Steven.
I was livid. Not just angry, livid. I told them in the truck that I didn't want to hear a sound while we drove. I wanted them to tell Daddy when we got to his work.
Steven got into the truck after we arrived at his office and had no idea why the girls were silent and I had a not so pleased look on my face. I told them to tell him.
Katy started crying before she could talk. "I don't want to tell you. I want Mama to do it."
Anyhow, their punishment was to clean the upstairs floor with soapy water and sponges yesterday. Today they are going to be cleaning the dining room floor. Tomorrow they'll do the kitchen.
I told them each time they wrung out that sponge to remember that this wasn't such a hot idea.
Mean? Probably yes. Slave labor? Apparently so.
Today is mainly a "to do list" kind of day. Katy's out of school tomorrow so I'm trying to get the major stuff done today. That way we can spend lots of time with just them. Steven works Saturday so I'll try to come up with something fun to do.
To Do Today
Upstairs
-make beds
-work on folding pile of clean clothes upstairs not complete but worked on
-clean cat litter
-sweep stairs
Downstairs
-dishes
-clean counters
-take clean folded laundry upstairs
-do a load of white clothes and a load of darks
-sweep
-vacuum
-spray couch, carpet and chair with Febreeze
-mop kitchen and dining room
-clean desks
-take all things that don't belong down here back upstairs
-get cloth dipes ready for the second "Let's see if the diaper rash worses with cloth" run
-find a home for the end table that the fish tank sat on
If you don't live your life, how can you write about it?
I've been spending an enormous amount of time on the computer, in the house, NOT outside. The last few months I have noticed a growing desire need to get myself and my family out of the house. I want to walk and hike and swim and blow bubbles and ride bikes.
I was all excited today because I thought we could go for a hike on Saturday. I'd forgotten that Steven has to work.
My point here is that if things seem sparse lately, they are. If I don't do anything I don't have anything to write about.
I still intend to blog regularly (maybe not every day but every other day perhaps) to let you all know how things are going and what we've been up to. I do enjoy the creative aspect this blog holds. I also know that my creative bug has been buzzing around in my head for some time now. Everywhere I look, I see a photograph. I wander around with bits and pieces of an entry/story running about in my head.
I need to take advantage of this gorgeous weather! The girls all like being outside and Katy desperately needs it. Not just being outside but running around and using some of that pent up energy. She hates to sit still and has been doing a lot of that right now as the school prepares for standardized testing next week.
She's out of school Friday so I need to think up something fun for us to do.