January 29, 2006
Still Going On
Almost two years after Daddy's death, the man who is responsible hasn't stood trial yet. The family was asked to submit letters to be presented to the judge by the Victim's Witness advocates.
What follows is the letter I'm sending. I don't like it. I feel like there are a thousand things left unsaid. I feel like the things I did say weren't said they way I wanted.
I just want all of this to be over.
______________________________________________________________________
29 January, 2006
Two Sides to Every Story
I know that there are always two sides to every story. My family and I may never know all there is to your side of this story, but this is my turn to tell ours.
Life is about choices. Right or wrong. Good or bad. The choices we make influence more than ourselves, the impact is much more widespread. The day you chose to drive under the influence you chose to affect the lives of an entire family.
Three little girls, Katy, Emily and Elizabeth, have been forced to live without their Papa. Two of those little girls are too young to ever have any memory of him. They won’t remember how much he loved them, how much he longed to see them grow up. They won’t remember how he’d bring a special treat, just for them, every time he visited. They won’t remember how much Papa loved his motorcycle and taking a ride on a sunny day. Nor will they remember how excited he was about some day letting them climb on the back and ride with him.
Those girls still ask questions, almost two years later, about why their Papa had to go on to Heaven so soon. Dealing with my own grief is very, very hard, but trying to deal with that grief and have three little children with innocent hearts ask gut wrenching questions, tears me to pieces.
I am a 32 year old fatherless daughter. Growing up, my Daddy and I didn’t have the best relationship. But in the 8 ½ years since my oldest daughter was born, Daddy and I had become much closer. We were working on building a relationship that surpassed all the troubles we’d faced. We were growing closer every year. The week Daddy died he’d called me. He wanted to make the long drive to Mississippi and visit for Easter. I was so excited to talk to him that morning and plan the time he’d get to stay.
I will never forget the day the phone rang and the news about Daddy’s death came. My husband answered the phone because I was elbow deep in giving the girls’ a bath. I heard Steven talking as he walked up the stairs but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I knew when I saw his face that something was wrong.
As you might expect, I cried that day. I cried until my throat and eyes burned. I cried until I could hardly speak. Those tears haven’t stopped. I’m crying as I type this letter.
The choice you made that day still affects me, my husband, my daughters. That choice affects a group of family and friends you may never meet. That choice should affect your life as well.
I don’t mean that we shouldn’t forgive you, we should and I have. As a Christian I am commanded by my God to extend the same forgiveness to others that Christ has given to me. I didn’t understand what that meant for a while, at least in this case. How was I supposed to forgive the man who is responsible for the death of my Daddy? But then I thought about how Christ forgave me despite all my sin and shame. If you ask God, he’ll forgive you, too. It’s simple really.
Choices have consequences. While we can be forgiven, we have consequences to our actions. The choice you made will be judged and the consequences will be decided by men. I pray that the Lord will give you the strength to face the road that lies ahead. His strength is the only thing that has carried this family through this entire ordeal.
There is no fair consequence for this. How do you compare what was taken with what you could possibly give back in return? There is no scale that could ever find a balance.
January 20, 2006
Exactly How We All Feel
This was a compelling article from the Sun Herald (local paper) that I stumbled on the link to from J's site.
(You can click anywhere in the quoted section below to read the entire article.)
As Aug. 29 recedes into the conscious time of many Americans, the great storm that devastated 70 miles of Mississippi's Coast, destroying the homes and lives of hundreds of thousands, fades into a black hole of media obscurity.
Never mind that, if taken alone, the destruction in Mississippi would represent the single greatest natural disaster in 229 years of American history. The telling of Katrina by national media has created the illusion of the hurricane's impact on our Coast as something of a footnote....
January 19, 2006
Schtuff
Trip was good. Plane trip, eh, what can ya say? We landed in Washington with a fog so thick over the airport we were merely "waiting for a visibility that's legal to land in." We'd already circled the airport for an hour. I broke my "I won't use the bathroom on a plane" rule because I'd needed to go at 8 when we were supposed to land and it was pushing 9 by then. When we finally started to land it was bizarre. The fog/clouds were so thick it was as though you were still thousands of feet up and yet you knew you were coming in for the landing. Shaking a little, I looked at Steven and said "I'd sure like to be able to see some land about now." A few seconds later, "There's your land you were looking for." I didn't know until we were fully on the ground that, bless his heart, when he first saw through the clouds he only saw water. WATER! And it was barely a few hundred feet down. His first thought was "This can't end well." To his credit, his face never showed a moment of panic.
Day one in DC was partly spent with us driving around trying to figure out where the heck we were going. Roads there are crazy. Even with the Hertz NeverLost GPS thing in our rental car we got lost, more than once on our trip. We checked out housing, some of the other base amenities and went to the housing office to ask some questions.
Next day we went to the Air and Space Museum, the original Smithsonian building (the castle), the Natural History Museum, the skating rink and wandered around in general. It was, of course, a Saturday so there were a zillion people. Add to that the weather started in the 50's and by the afternoon was in the 30's with winds gusting up to 50 mph and this Georgia cracker was COLD! Steven at this point is starting to cough more and more. He'd been sick for over a week but the cough was starting to worry me some. We bought cough drops at a CVS near the parking garage, were asked for money by a second homeless person and then left.
We ate dinner at an odd (not very good) restaurant in Alexandria and drove home in the snow flurries that had started.
We'd planned to visit a church in Maryland on Sunday but when Steven woke up coughing worse than Saturday we opted not to go. We did drive out to it and take a look-see. After realizing how far it actually was and that it would take almost an hour one way to get to it we decided to try for churches closer to home once we move.
We drove back to Alexandria to one of the few and far between movie theatres we'd seen and watched Hoodwinked. Sort of funny, nothing to write home about. Ended up taking Steven to the ER at Andrews and he was diagnosed with bronchitis. Got meds, began feeling better the next day.
Flight home was uneventful. I even managed to read a good bit in my book. (Mark of the Lion Series book #1 -- AWESOME! Thanks to K8 for that suggestion!!)
Pictures of trip begin here.
January 11, 2006
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Ok, so maybe not Mr. Smith but Mr. and Mrs. Bates will be going there this weekend! We're going to check out the base, housing, and do some sight seeing. (Is that one word??)
Stalkers, back off, I live in base housing with SP's!
Pray for me. This will be the first plane trip since the last time when I couldn't get on the next plane.
Oh, I didn't blog about it but Monday saw Steven and I at the ER off base for six hours. Turns out I have an ear infection and was dehydrated which aggravated the other diagnosis of BPV (Benign Positional Vertigo). When we were at the ER, they took blood and inserted an IV to give me fluids. After the nurse left the room (and the stick went easy, no problems at all) I had a full on panic attack. That's the strangest feeling I've ever experienced. Bizarre.
Alright, must go finish laundry and packing so we can head out tomorrow at lunch.
January 06, 2006
Struggle
Some days I struggle. With my mind. With my mouth. With my self-control.
Those are the days I must fall at my Father's feet and lay all of my useless toils and cares down. Not just lay them down, but turn and leave them there. Turning back and picking them up doesn't serve the purpose I intended.
Schoolwork some days is a struggle. It's very hard for the oldest to sit still and finish her work when the middle is finished and playing with the youngest. I understand why that would be difficult. What I don't understand is why every.single.day. we go through the same talk.
Me: Honey, if you'd just stay focused and diligent you'd be finished much sooner. You are choosing to lose your own play time by fiddling around during school.
Her: (Stares off into space for the millionth time) It's just hard. I want to play.
Me: And I want you to be able to play. But when it takes you an hour and a half to get through your math work because you spend almost an hour staring into space and being reminded to work you're using your play time to do your work.
I wonder sometimes how I ever thought I had a clue about raising children. I can't exactly duct tape the younger two while the eldest works. I already have them play in their rooms while she works. Even if they shut the door you can hear them in the living room. This house is small and there is no way to cover all the noise. There is no way to ever completely have a quiet work environment. Grown ups don't work in silent offices or cubicles or businesses.
Since I started typing (with two breaks to help her with something and one to quell a rebellion in the land of the small) she's been working on one problem. I use the word working in the loosest sense. She'll work a second, then stare off. Work a second then need to stretch. Work a second then drop her pencil and bitterly complain that "I need some help!" and wonder why I won't do it for her.
Oy. Day two in the struggle to get back on track after a long Christmas break.
I had thought we might try to finish the 3rd grade for her and middle's kindergarten before we move but I'm beginning to think not. It isn't such a big deal to carry it through the summer when we move. I could use it as the incentive for going to the pool every day. Schoolwork has to completed and checked before we can go.
Wonder if that could work??
*****End fussing and complaining by Mama*****
I don't really have any other news to report right now. We're on the downhill slope to moving. I've got to start my pre-move clean/dejunk/organize scramble here soon.
We're debating whether to get rid of the van and keep the car only. It would certainly do a lot towards helping us with our budget. Plus we don't really need two cars. But selling the car (it being the newer of the two) would be a large loss for us. The van is more practical for us as a larger family. Just not sure how we'll work it all out yet. I don't like the idea of getting rid of the van for a lot of reasons but I can understand the money side of it as well. I just wish the car was the older of the two and then there would be no issue.
Well, it's almost time for Steven to come home for lunch and Katy's sitting in front of me still working on the same row of math problems. Must be off.
January 04, 2006
Reflection
It's been a long time since I've looked back with any real clarity on the events of a passing year.
- Today I turn 32 years old.
- Today I leave behind the troubles and sadness of last year's events and look forward to a new year, a new day to face my life head on.
- To run the race set before me.
- To see each morning's sunrise as a challenge to remember the God of the universe in the details of my day. In the effortless, fluid moments where life goes on and not in the moments when time stands still and I feel desperate.
- To cheerily repeat to myself (and others) "Procrastination on your part does not make an emergency on mine."
- To actively participate in a Bible study that helps me grow in God not just stagnate another year away.
- To find said Bible study and hopefully a partner to share it with.
- To cheerfully teach my children daily life lessons rather than get irritated with them.
- To laugh more.
- To love more.
- To live more.
- To read more. (Already in the works. I'm taking two books back to the library today or tomorrow and checking out more. I've got a lovely list for Mount To Be Read compiled from suggestions y'all sent and ones I found.)
- To include myself in more pictures even if I don't like the way I look in them.
January 03, 2006
Linkage
So this space won't be completely blank, I'll share some linky love.
Mommy Life
Guilt Free Homeschooling
Choosing Home
A Virtuous Woman
***Side note***
Does anyone know how to use the notify system with MT and have it link to the main index page rather than the archive page??