So, Tuesday August 15th I have a scheduled abdominal CT scan with contrast.
They aren't sure what is going on.
Could be an adhesion gone wonky and causing a bowel obstruction.
Could be just an adhesion.
Could be a thinning of the muscle in my abdomen from the large baby I had after my c-section.
Could be something scary.
We just don't know.
I'm scared. I have this fear that they're going to tell me I have some crazy incurable something...
Last night, after crying and worrying again, I decided to try to stop worrying.
If I was told I had 6 months or a year, what would I do?
The answer to that question is the answer to what I intend to focus my energy on from here on out.
I suppose we should all have this attitude every day of our lives. We aren't promised tomorrow no matter our state of health.
BUT! With God we have hope! I know, that no matter what this test shows I have hope. Hope of eternity! That hope eradicates all fear. That hope reminds me to enjoy watching my four year old dance around in the sunshine. Reminds me to hold on to the image in my mind's eye of the sun glinting off her hair. Reminds me to laugh at Emily's jokes. Reminds me to earnestly listen to Katy and talk with her and enjoy her curiosity and revel in her verbose nature.
Reminds me to hold on tight to my husband. To grab hold of the feel of his arms around me. Take that feeling, tuck it away in my mind. Reminds me to gorge myself on the feel of his hair between my fingers, the sight of the joy in his eyes when we watch the Braves together, the sound of his voice vibrating my cheek when I lay my head on his chest and he speaks to me.
I intend to live as though today is my last day. I encourage you to do the same.